Monday, November 29, 2010

Ocean of Thanksgiving

I am grateful for indoor plumbing – for faucets that open to fresh, drinkable water right in my house; for hot water waiting for when I need it; for flush toilets, and bathtubs, and showers…

I am grateful for my kitchen – for sharp knives and steel pots; for blenders and stoves and refrigerators; for cupboards full of dishes and spices and cans of food. I am grateful for all the meals I've had. I'm grateful for people who feed me. I'm grateful for people who eat what I've cooked.

I'm grateful that when I've forgotten an ingredient I can get in my car, drive to the store, buy the ingredient and come back home, all in less than an hour even though I live a far stretch out of town.

I'm grateful for my child, and the light, humor, love, growth and new video games he brings into my life. I'm grateful for his father, who helped bring him into my life and to his other mother for helping to give him this amazing life I get to witness.

I am grateful for my friends, and family, and clients, who never cease to teach me something I didn't know, and who regularly give me the chance to show up with what I do know.

I am grateful for my Subaru. I'm grateful for all-wheel drive, for the heater, for the air-conditioner, for the engine and the tires and the radio that takes me way further than the car itself ever could.

I'm grateful for roads, and stoplights, and snowplows and street sweepers. I'm grateful for policemen and women, and for every other person on the road who makes it possible for thousands of cars to drive at high speeds right next to each other with hardly any accidents.

I'm grateful for electricity, for all the many ways of turning it into light, and heat, and movement and information and entertainment.

I am grateful for engineers, and inventors, and artists, and teachers, and soldiers, and carpenters, and health care professionals and athletes. I'm grateful for every person who shows up ready to express her or his personal vision, even if it is just for the architecture of the sandwich for their lunch. I'm grateful for my cats and my chickens, for the sensation of reaching under a warm hen to get the eggs. I'm grateful to imagine what it is like for the chicks that stand up to keep their bodies tucked in her feathers when she moves.

I'm grateful for pets, and domesticated animals and wild creatures. I am grateful for forests and loggers and tree huggers. I'm grateful for oceans and fish and deep sea photographers and transoceanic flights.

I am grateful for this state of gratitude, which is so much more than being happy some particular thing or person has come into my life. It ceases to be specific about anything at all. I feel awe-struck gratitude for every single thing I see or that comes into my mind. I am grateful for apparent duality, so I can see all this amazing, infinitely varied, creative expression that surrounds me in my human experience. And I am grateful to be part of this Divine dance.

And I am oh, so grateful for every one of you dancing it with me.


 

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

What if Self Awareness, in Love and Appreciation, went viral?

What if, as easily as clicking "Like" on a Facebook post, you could choose Self Awareness? What if you could know, right now, that you are Loved, ALL of you; that every single part of you is perfect, Divine? What if you stopped wanting to hide all those messy human bits from yourself and from God? What if you started to Love them, and want to know them more and more? And the whole cacophony of your human experience suddenly became transparent to you, and through it you could see yourself as the god you are?

What if in one instant you could remember that all of you is worthy of being loved, of being felt and known, even your feelings of unlovability and unworthiness? What if all of a sudden you recognized yourself, if the veil lifted, and you began to dance this dance in Joy, thrilled at the beauty of your choice to be Here?

And what if when you clicked "Share," in that one instant, you could remind all of your friends of their choice to be here, too? And they remembered? And they reminded their friends. And within a few days the momentum of our collective journey tipped from one dominated by a need to control life, to one filled with the Joy of opening to the Possibilities of Life.

What if Love and Appreciation and even Excitement at Knowing Who You Really Are was a gift you could soak in through your eyes, and share through the tapping of your fingers? Held and transmitted through the channel of thousands of open hearts.

What if Self-Awareness went viral? And we all woke up?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Being Here Today

Today is my birthday. It’s a beautiful, misty/rainy Washington day. When I went down to let the chickens out this morning the lake looked positively magical. But the lake almost always looks magical from down there, in the garden. It looks benign, welcoming, like a big pool of peaceful, that floats into everyone who gets near it.

One of my teachers said that every year at your birthday you meet with your ‘council’, your group of guides and ethereal teachers. You go over the past year, check in with how you’re doing, and get yourself set for the next year. You also choose whether you’re going to stay another year or not.

I don’t know if that’s true, but I think about it. And this year that choice of do I stay or not has really been up. I was thinking it was a tantrum – the sort of the Christ consciousness coming in, from unlimited being, to the limited 3D human existence, and saying “WTF is this?!?!?!” Okay. Maybe your Christ consciousness doesn’t swear. Mine does. Or it says “What the…?” and my ego takes over with the rest. “You’re right! This is ridiculous! We’re supposed to be God here! What is this ‘paying bills’ and ‘feeling aches’ and ‘feeling alone and separate?!’”

I could go into that. Maybe another time. These tantrums are certainly very real and I’ve had my fair share of it in the last couple of years. One of the most pronounced aspects of them is that there is usually nothing going on – nothing wrong, no crisis (well, okay, there is what feels like crisis, but it’s comparatively nothing to what is happening in the world.) and yet you feel like it is really stupid that you would waste another minute in this limited reality. But today I’m talking about something else, which turns out to be more serious than a tantrum about being here.

Like I said, I thought it was a tantrum. And then I thought it was the birthday question, since it’s gotten stronger the closer I’ve come to today. Then last night I read a new channeling from Adamus of the Crimson Circle. He said that the energies of the last couple of weeks have been particularly intense and have felt very chaotic, and that a particular question is very much up – “Do I want to be here?” And that for those of us who are at this place in our evolution the chaos of the recent energies will keep feeling like chaos until we answer the question. And we can’t lie.

If you’re interested in this you could click here and follow through to the channeling from September 2010.

It’s uncanny and rather affirming for me when I read something like this and it names everything I’ve been going through. Like the part about trying to convince yourself the answer is ‘yes’ by making lists of why you’d want to stay. My list was looking lie: 1) my son, and … my son … and … uh… is that it?

Sometimes that’s it.

It is not that I have a hard, or painful, or in any way overly challenging life, except for the constant challenge I give myself of evolving. And that challenge is what makes the whole thing worthwhile. I love having a body. I love exploring in this world. It is just that I can taste my unlimited Divine Self, and, frankly, I really miss it. I’ve been here a really long time (not talking 47 years, more like thousands of lifetimes). I want to go home.

Last night after reading Adamus I decided to meditate on it until I had my answer. No lies.

A couple of years ago in Judy Christensen’s class in Ashland she had us all answer the question “What do I really want?” We were to slow down, as slow as we could go, and then ask ourselves what we wanted.

So I slowed down. I got so slow my ego stopped breathing my body (left, in other words). Okay, this is slow enough. Now, what do I want?

The answer was immediate and beautiful. “I want to Live. To experience Life!” And so I did. In that moment I said “yes” to my Self and just felt what it was to be alive. What a rush of Joy and Life filled my body! It wasn’t about anything material that I wanted. Just the pure experience of being human. I wanted THAT.

This is an interesting thing, this difference between the human self experiencing being human, and the Divine Self experiencing being human. Because for most of my existence, anyway, my Divine Self has sort of been out there, watching me, connecting with me, but not being here with me. (Me, in this case, being my human self) I started inviting my Divine Self in several years ago, because I wanted to feel it and so it would help me out. I had no idea what a thrill it was for it to be here until that meditation, though. THIS is what we came for. To be Divine unlimited consciousness journeying limitation.

Thrill, yes. And cause for major tantrum, too. Because it isn’t used to being limited. Many times I’ve felt like I’m the little child holding the hand of the big grown-up who has no clue how to function in my world. (Much like my son does for me in the world of computers!) I’ve been here a while. I know how it works. “Just relax” I say. “Things take time here. What it is in this moment is not what it’s going to be in the next. This reality is mutable. Believe me. I know.”

This came into my thoughts last night. That was the answer from two years ago. What is the answer now?

I wrestled around with it for a bit, still trying to come up with the reasons why the answer would be ‘yes.’ But, then, finally, I caught myself wrestling, trying to control it. Okay. What if the answer was ‘no’?

I felt the flood of longing. I miss my home. I miss being one with everything. I miss unlimited ethereal individuation. I miss knowing, without any hesitation or doubt or separation, that I am one with God.

I was lying in bed at this point, meditating and yet feeling very much awake. I let myself know it – “I want to go home!!!”

About fifteen minutes later I woke up. And I felt really calm and happy.

Okay. That’s what I want. I want both. I want to be able to go home and I want to be able to be here. I don’t want to have to leave home behind, to impose separation from myself or anything else in order to experience being human. I want to be here, doing this, knowing myself as and feeling completely immersed in Love.

That’s what I feel down in my garden by the lake. No wonder I like it there so much.

So do I want to be here? It helps to have my beautiful son make breakfast for me and gives me little 2 minute massages all day for my birthday. It helps to have friends I love who love me. It helps to live surrounded by beauty.

Yet I still get a sinking feeling when I say that I want to stay. I find myself negotiating. Adamus talked about that, too. He talked about people negotiating “I want to be here, but I want to be young, and rich!”

Here’s how my negotiation goes: I am willing to stay. I want to finish this journey. But I want all of me to be here. I don’t want to be here if it means cutting off from my Self. I’ve had enough of that. I don’t want to put up with it any more. Of course, who is cutting me off? Me. Who can choose to listen to and allow all of me? Me. Who can choose to stay open to my Divine guidance, Love and Joy? Me. Who am I negotiating with? Me.

Okay then. Happy Birthday, Me. This is the gift I am giving myself: More, and more, and more, of the wholeness of Me.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Thinking, Feeling, Doing,

One day three students of a shaman went out for a hike in the woods. They all studied with the same shaman, but each one approached the work a different way. One was a thinker – path of Thought. One was a doer – path of Action. One was a feeler – path of Devotion.

It was a beautiful day and the three friends were getting along great.

"They said it was supposed to rain today, but it isn't. I have my rain jacket, anyway. I'm glad it's light. This trail will take us almost 1000 feet up to the waterfall. On the way we should pass through a few different types of plant zones. I'm happy." said the path of Thought student.

""Race you to the top!" said the path of Action student.

"Are you kidding me? I could just stand right here in this magnificence. The way the pollen catches the light between these branches! The air! Something wonderful is going to happen today. I know it." said the path of Devotion student.

They started out on the trail. They hadn't gotten very far before there was a crashing in the underbrush just ahead of them and a great big bear stepped out onto the trail. It saw them and reared up on its hind legs, standing almost 10 feet tall.

"A bear!" said the path of Devotion student, and she knelt down on the trail in front of the bear. "I give myself up to be one with the Eternal Being!" And the bear ate her up.

"I've got a gun in my car. I'll go get it!" the path of Action student shouted and ran back towards the cars.

The path of Thought student stood looking at the bear, and at his guide book. He said "There aren't supposed to be bears in this part of the woods."


 

The other night a friend of mine was describing a book he was reading, called "God Is Not One", which gives overviews of the world's 8 major religions and points out the really fundamental differences between them. I started rifting on how the differences within any given religion are sometimes more profound than the differences between the religions. Like any person could be part of any religion, but the sect they choose would be according to their personality. Like if I was a Muslim, I'd probably be a Sufi. Or if I was Jewish I'd probably be Kabbalistic. If I was to define myself as Hindu it would be as a Kashmir Shaivite. My friend caught on that and asked if this sect was Philosophical, Karmic, or Bhakti. Huh? Are those the only choices? Well, according to this book all of the Hindu sects can be categorized as one of these three.

Now, I don't know if it really works to divide as multi-faceted a religion as Hinduism into only three types of sects, but it made me think of the story above. Philosophical = path of thought. Karmic = path of action (your actions determine your Karma and therefore your place in the cosmos). Bhakti = path of devotion. Bhakti is all about devotion, and open heart, and just pure Love. So maybe it's true.

But I'd be hard pressed to define Kashmir Shaivism as just one of these three. There is a very strong philosophy – (to quote Wikipedia) "Cit - consciousness - is the one reality. Matter is not separated from consciousness, but rather identical to it. There is no gap between God and the world. The world is not an illusion (as in Advaita Vedanta), rather the perception of duality is the illusion." You can spend years uncovering the hidden nuances of that philosophy. And I have learned many practices connected with Kashmir Shaivism, meditation and breath techniques as well as emotional/mental/spiritual exercises which a path of action person can put to good use in furthering their enlightenment. And many of the people I know who is most immersed in this version of Hinduism are total Bhaktis. For them it's all about Love and Openness and the Oneness of everything.

Interestingly enough, the only part covered in the Wikipedia article was the Philosophy. I guess path of thought people are more likely to choose to write about their perceptions of the world. My friend is clearly path of Thought. For one thing, he's reading a book about the philosophical differences between the religions. Obviously Steven Prothero, who wrote the book, is also path of thought, because that's what's most interesting to him to pursue.

I, alas, have a very hard time sustaining path of thought conversations about Spiritual growth any more, because for me it isn't real unless you feel it. But the way I get to feel it is through practices, like Slowing Down and meditation and movement and diving into my emotional experiences with the vision on of Self-Responsibility. And, obviously, I find it interesting enough, even compelling, to sit down and write about it.

Which are you? Do you give yourself over to one path? Do you resist one path in favor of another? Do you temper your experience with a bit of all of them? Have you ever found yourself being as focused and silly as those three students above?

Friday, July 30, 2010

My Inner Overlord

I just met my inner Overlord in person. It was kind of like meeting a king or queen that you never even knew really existed, but always felt the impact of their edicts. Very strange. Very impactful. Kind of cool and rather frightening all at the same time.

I was meditating. Recently this thing has been coming up a lot about how important it is to me to do everything the right way. It's different from ordinary 'whiteness' – which is all about looking good, as in 'white-washing' yourself and your experience so you will be socially acceptable. My internal dedication to doing things the right way hardly ever leads to social acceptability, though I'm usually befuddled by that. Because if I'm doing everything right, shouldn't that make people like me? Ha. Besides which I usually fail. That was one of my big recent self-revelations, that I really can't do anything right. In fact I was doing everything wrong – at least according to the reflections that kept coming at me. It was devastating. Oh well.

This morning while meditating this came up, this thing about needing to do everything right. I followed it down deep into myself, through several layers of awareness. Then suddenly it was as if I had stumbled into the secret hidden chamber housing the great and terrible Oz – sort of the man behind the curtain only it felt an awful lot more like the powerful big head - a very large presence of unfeeling certainty. Yikes! I would say it was cold, as in completely lacking in emotion (all the while holding the triggers which release chemical emotions into my body). Yet it felt hot like the center of the earth. Just a cold, hot, unemotional, certain of itself Overlord controlling the underlying experience of my life. I keep wanting to say it was my ego, but my usual picture of my ego is a lot more like that man behind the curtain.

Okay, here's what it is – the big picture of the head (complete with thunder and loud booming voice!) is the drama that fills one's life. The man behind the curtain is the human ego, creating all the drama in order to control things and keep itself hidden. It's kind of comical because it's really so out of control and inept, and yet it creates enough distraction that it can keep most people fooled most of the time. The Inner Overlord (for want of a better term) is … the Divine Ego? I'll have to ask my teacher, because I don't know.

Anyway, I had a conversation with it. Wouldn't you? I asked it all sorts of questions about what was right and wrong. I wanted to get more information to know who this was (as in what part of me) and to get a better picture of what the rules are that have been controlling my life. I certainly don't always follow these rules. In fact during our conversation my awareness would slip up through the layers, seeing myself in different situations where I'd tried to defy these hidden rules, and seen the consequences. Because there are always consequences.

This inner Overlord doesn't care how things look on the surface, or if anything works. It just lays down the law and makes sure that it is followed.

Here's an example – it's a bit of a silly example in the larger scheme of things, but maybe it gives a good picture of the schizophrenia that results from these rules. I was looking around at the different areas in my life that the Overlord had rules about – i.e. ways in which I am supposed to do everything right. One of them is to speak foreign languages. It decided a long time ago that I should be able to speak as many foreign languages as possible. This is a way for me to be superior, successful, socially adept… and yet I really only speak English pretty well and have a good grasp of Spanish. When I saw this rule I asked, "Does this mean I should be studying more?" I have Rosetta Stone with many languages and rather like studying. Should I spend my time doing that? No. The rules say that I should already know the languages, and that spending time studying is irrelevant. How this is supposed to work I don't know.

Okay fine. Be perfect, now, and don't waste any time getting there. Hmm. How exactly am I supposed to do that? Oh, right, I can't. I'm a puny human. Riiight. There's the problem right there. I'm human. If I were still just God, without this ridiculous journey of limitation, there would be no problem.

Just so you know I'm doing everything right – I'm going to ask my teacher about this one. And it's great to have encountered it/unveiled it. No, really. I feel like I've just met a very disturbing and integral best friend, or something. Like I just found out I'm married to a mafia Dom. Or, heck, that I am one!