I just met my inner Overlord in person. It was kind of like meeting a king or queen that you never even knew really existed, but always felt the impact of their edicts. Very strange. Very impactful. Kind of cool and rather frightening all at the same time.
I was meditating. Recently this thing has been coming up a lot about how important it is to me to do everything the right way. It's different from ordinary 'whiteness' – which is all about looking good, as in 'white-washing' yourself and your experience so you will be socially acceptable. My internal dedication to doing things the right way hardly ever leads to social acceptability, though I'm usually befuddled by that. Because if I'm doing everything right, shouldn't that make people like me? Ha. Besides which I usually fail. That was one of my big recent self-revelations, that I really can't do anything right. In fact I was doing everything wrong – at least according to the reflections that kept coming at me. It was devastating. Oh well.
This morning while meditating this came up, this thing about needing to do everything right. I followed it down deep into myself, through several layers of awareness. Then suddenly it was as if I had stumbled into the secret hidden chamber housing the great and terrible Oz – sort of the man behind the curtain only it felt an awful lot more like the powerful big head - a very large presence of unfeeling certainty. Yikes! I would say it was cold, as in completely lacking in emotion (all the while holding the triggers which release chemical emotions into my body). Yet it felt hot like the center of the earth. Just a cold, hot, unemotional, certain of itself Overlord controlling the underlying experience of my life. I keep wanting to say it was my ego, but my usual picture of my ego is a lot more like that man behind the curtain.
Okay, here's what it is – the big picture of the head (complete with thunder and loud booming voice!) is the drama that fills one's life. The man behind the curtain is the human ego, creating all the drama in order to control things and keep itself hidden. It's kind of comical because it's really so out of control and inept, and yet it creates enough distraction that it can keep most people fooled most of the time. The Inner Overlord (for want of a better term) is … the Divine Ego? I'll have to ask my teacher, because I don't know.
Anyway, I had a conversation with it. Wouldn't you? I asked it all sorts of questions about what was right and wrong. I wanted to get more information to know who this was (as in what part of me) and to get a better picture of what the rules are that have been controlling my life. I certainly don't always follow these rules. In fact during our conversation my awareness would slip up through the layers, seeing myself in different situations where I'd tried to defy these hidden rules, and seen the consequences. Because there are always consequences.
This inner Overlord doesn't care how things look on the surface, or if anything works. It just lays down the law and makes sure that it is followed.
Here's an example – it's a bit of a silly example in the larger scheme of things, but maybe it gives a good picture of the schizophrenia that results from these rules. I was looking around at the different areas in my life that the Overlord had rules about – i.e. ways in which I am supposed to do everything right. One of them is to speak foreign languages. It decided a long time ago that I should be able to speak as many foreign languages as possible. This is a way for me to be superior, successful, socially adept… and yet I really only speak English pretty well and have a good grasp of Spanish. When I saw this rule I asked, "Does this mean I should be studying more?" I have Rosetta Stone with many languages and rather like studying. Should I spend my time doing that? No. The rules say that I should already know the languages, and that spending time studying is irrelevant. How this is supposed to work I don't know.
Okay fine. Be perfect, now, and don't waste any time getting there. Hmm. How exactly am I supposed to do that? Oh, right, I can't. I'm a puny human. Riiight. There's the problem right there. I'm human. If I were still just God, without this ridiculous journey of limitation, there would be no problem.
Just so you know I'm doing everything right – I'm going to ask my teacher about this one. And it's great to have encountered it/unveiled it. No, really. I feel like I've just met a very disturbing and integral best friend, or something. Like I just found out I'm married to a mafia Dom. Or, heck, that I am one!
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